Julia

It's been more than five months. Things have begun to settle down. Perhaps the time has finally come to write this page. Or perhaps this is just asking for me to fall into a pit of despair from which I will never return... Well, I guess I'm about to find out.

- Tim Skirvin, Fri Jun 14 16:43:56 CDT 2002

Julia and I dated from September 10, 2000 to January 5, 2002. It was a blissfully happy time for me, and, for a time, her. It ended more abruptly than it had begun, and hurt me more than anything before and, hopefully, since. But I survived, and I still think the whole thing was worth it.

First Meeting and Courtship

Julia and I first met while I was still dating Jenny; apparently, Julia had a crush on me from the second she saw me, but didn't say anything out of a sense of propriety. Jenny and I broke up less than a month later, but Julia never told me. We flirted every now and then, but never seriously; then she started dating David, and I moved her to my mental "off-bounds" category. This was just as she again grew interested in me, and stayed with us (Caitte) for a weekend... Mind you, I saw the Julia-and-David thing as silly and doomed, but I still play fair.

During this time, I was somewhat interested in Ann O., Julia's best friend. She was a nice, friendly girl that, like everyone else I've cared about these last few years, lived in Allen Hall; she was also single and, to my eye, somewhat interested. I pursued things carefully for several weeks, inviting both Ann and Julia to various events. Ann kept on coming - but Julia refused much of the time. So I stopped asking...and Ann kept coming. This lasted until one day, after a long day involving awards ceremonies and me being all dressed up, Ann and Julia offered to walk me home. They wanted to talk, I figured out soon, and I sent my roommate James up ahead... and so we did. They told me that Ann wasn't interested. I nodded, agreed, and said that I was tired. Then they went on about how the dorm was upset that I was paying Ann so much attention but not anyone else... I was tired, so I promised to play fair and nice and called it done. We talked on my front steps for almost an hour, and I never once caught on to anything except that Ann wasn't interested. Finally, I shrugged, and went to bed.

The real meaning, of course, was that Julia was interested in me. (As a sidenote, Ann was interested in James, which was why she was coming over all the time; Caitte, my other roommate, knew this, but didn't say anything. The whole thing was insanely comical, in retrospect. When Julia finally told me enough pieces of the puzzle to let me put it together, months later, I laughed uproariously for almost an hour).

The Julia-David relationship lasted until the end of Spring Semester 2000, when they broke up suddenly and reasonably amicably. And then Julia went off home for the summer, and I didn't see her until the next semester. She invited me to their housewarming party, mostly because Darren (my new roommate) had offered to helped them with their house network - she was still angry at me from before, and figured I was hopeless. But at the party, she got a bit drunk. And so she decided to flirt with me. Blatantly.

I still didn't get it.

Well, not until she threw a fork at me.

The next day, after the party, I thought back on the events of the night before. Why did she draw blood? Why was she so worried about it afterwards? Why did she keep on showing me an insane amount of cleavage? Hmm... I thought about it for a couple of days. Then I started showing up over at her house, unannounced, with movies. And we talked, and we were silly. I tickled her. Sarah, one of Julia's roommates, thought it was just in good fun...but we both chased her off. Me and Julia both recognized the tension for what it was...

On the 9th of September, Laura Walker, one of our good friends, asked me what was up. I told her the truth: I didn't know yet. But it set me on a path to find out. I went over that night with some Space Ghost tapes. We tried to sit and talk, but Sarah wouldn't leave. And so we eventually left and went over to the New Quad (Ray, Mel, Jacob, and [then] Chris), and went to Dixie...and the others kinda noticed that something was up. But they didn't say anything, and we didn't say anything, and it all just kinda hung there...

The next day, I invited Julia over for Scream 3, something that she'd said she had some interest in seeing. She came alone, and we started watching. We probably got ten minutes into it before we were all over each other. And so we talked, and then we decided. "What the hell, let's give it a shot."

The Relationship

The first thing we did as we started dating was break it to my roommate: "Darren, I'm sorry, but we're dating." He was shocked and horrified, and ran out the door to go biking. We laughed, and kissed, and acted silly like new-found lovers are supposed to. And so it went for a few weeks, as we spent our time together, meeting each others' friends and carrying on like fools.

I was neatly hooked right from the beginning. Here was a smart, strong-willed, beautiful girl that had begun by pursuing me! She was adventurous, ambitious, and ecstatic to have me - as much so as I was to have her. We were quick to proclaim our love and all that, and in fact probably went through the first few weeks a bit too fast - or, at the very least, we grew open with each other too soon. We were telling each other heart-felt truths early and often...and sometimes we were scared of the results. Of course, I wouldn't find out the dangers of this for many months...

I'm not sure what all there really is to say. We started sleeping at each others' places 4-5 days a week (mostly mine, my bed was bigger). She introduced me to Thai food and specifically Curry, which I've never gotten over and is now up there in my favorite foods. Our friends meshed, as we both put on regular social events. She got along with my family beautifully. I bought her pois^H^H^H^Hchocolate for her birthday, and made her an absolutely perfect Lego heart that had her name in it for Valentine's Day (this romantic moment will likely never be topped in my lifetime). Our song was I Love You Baby, by Brak. She went with me to Ireland in May 2001, and almost died due to the lack of spicy food. Our anniversary was on 2001/09/10, and when I came into work the next day...well, let's just say that it was a marked contrast to the night before. And...well, there's always more details, and I'm sure that over time I'll add more. But the important one is this: I have been told by my friends that I have never seemed more happy than when I was with Julia.

A lot of the relationship was centered around one central fact: Julia wanted to go to grad school, and would do anything for it. She cared so much about school that I could hardly believe it; she worried all the time that she wouldn't get in. Her applications were outright hell for her, as she worked and reworked her essays... I knew that things would either end when she left, or I would follow her. And as time went on, I began to realize that I was willing to follow her. The outside world beckoned... and it was all worth it. For her, I would do this.

The last real thing we did together was to go to her parents' place in Los Angeles. I flew out for Thanksgiving with her - and, by coincidence, my parents and brother were out there as well, for my Grandfather's funeral. So we all met for Thanksgiving dinner...and we all determined that we got along. Everyone liked everyone else. That, to me, was the final real test. This was going to work.

Break-Up and Aftermath

Julia left for Christmas break around the middle of December 2001. I was sad to see her go, but unconcerned; after all, I had just met her parents and everything had gone well. She had just one semester to go; we were going to make it! I was going to follow her to grad school; I hadn't officially said that yet, but my mind was as near to made up as it was going to get. The idea of asking for her hand had occurred to me, and didn't seem that bad. We were going to be happy.

When she came back from that trip, she was...distant. Very distant. She didn't respond to my kisses or touch; however, even then it only seemed to be that she was worried about grad school and upset about dealing with her family for the previous several weeks. But we stayed together that night...and the next morning, she said "this isn't working", took her stuff, and left.

That was it. That was the warning, all of it.

The first week was outright hell for me. I had to fight down my instincts left and right - I couldn't talk to anyone, I couldn't fight, I couldn't cry, I couldn't think... I did tell Jacob right away, because I needed to talk to someone; he spirited me away to his parents' place for a night, where I played Smash Bros Melee and was able to suffer less because there were others around. After that, though, I returned home to my parents' place, where I was cat-sitting but otherwise alone. My friends were scattered, and I didn't want to impose on anyone. I spent most of that time playing Civilization III and working quietly - a solitary existance, to be sure, but one that I could maintain. I hid my lanyard under my shirt, but didn't remove it - I needed the emotional support.

I sent flowers. I tried calling. I once almost went to her apartment angrily, but was intercepted by unknowing friends who made me eat and calm down a bit (thank you, Dan and Mike). And finally, after a few days, I got word from Julia that we could meet at her place that Friday night to talk. And so I showed up, battleworn and scared... She said that I could still talk to her friends. She accused me of being defensive. She said she was mad at me for calling. She admitted that she had been thinking of someone else for the last few months. And I still didn't care, I still wanted her back, I'd still do anything she asked... She asked me to leave. I did, on the condition that we would meet again in one week and one month. She agreed. I left. And then I went down to the New Quad and told them. That night, once I was finally alone, I cried.

Week Two wasn't as bad, because my instincts were not as tortured. I could do generally what I wanted to do; all I couldn't do was talk to Julia. Friends were okay. Online was okay. Anyone that I had hidden the information from before was now on-limits. So my friends began to care care of me in earnest; advice started coming in, and my hell wasn't quite so bad anymore. Mind you, it was still hell. But this time, I had a concrete goal: decide what I was going to do for that one-week meeting. Should I try to get us back together? That was my question - and I was able to concentrate on it. And so, at last, I was able to decide - I would not pursue it, but I would accept it if it came.

When we met at the end of that second week (the 19th), it was obvious that Julia was a wreck. She cried as we talked; she still wanted to be a part of my family and friends. But I wasn't ready to make that decision yet; that was for the one-month meeting. But I came out...rejuvanated. Not really happy, but content that things were progressing. We would be friends again, if I wanted it. Perhaps she still did want me; perhaps we would get back together.

To the best of my knowledge, Julia went home after that meeting and officially got together with Richard, the guy that she had been thinking about before.

I didn't find this out until about the one-month meeting. I had gained my will to live back by this time; in fact, I was in good enough shape that I was willing to go to the Like Disco show that she was in and watch her perform, and find out when we would talk the next day. I had been counting down the days, and I even had reason to believe that things would go okay (when asked to give me the keys back a couple of weeks before, she had said "I'm not ready yet". I took this as a good sign, at the time). And so when I saw her and Richard together, I was devastated. I was devastated again when she said she wouldn't meet with me the next day. And I was devastated a third time when Jacob admitted that he had found out about her and Richard getting together a few days before, and that she was too scared to tell me right away.

Too scared.

I'm not sure the last time I've been so furious. I've never been so furious *and* been able to do something about it. Too scared? Of me? Is she out of her frigging mind? I realized right then how bad things were - and at the same time, my friends stepped up. They would defend me. They would fight for me. They knew who had done right by them and were willing to help him in his time of need. Just point them in the direction... I had power. I had rage. And the temptation to use it... well, that was just around the corner.

But a few of my other friends stepped up, and talked me out of it.

Why? I dunno. I think a lot of them realize that to fight back would have done irreprable damage to my psyche and soul. I look back and realize that I could have just destroyed Julia with a concerted effort of my friends and knowledge; I wouldn't have even suffered any direct consequences. But then I would have been tempted to do it again some day. And again. And I would have gotten good at it. And I would have ended up evil, or at least with a morality that doesn't mind manipulation as a valid tool of revenge. Perhaps that's a bit melodramatic - but I believe it to this day. And now, looking back, I am incredibly proud of my restraint under pressure.

Our friends almost universally sided with me, with the exception of Ann. They knew that Julia was in the wrong, even if they did still consider her their friend. Many of them went much further than this, though all stopped short of actual revenge (many at my urging, such as Mel). I talked a few others into staying her friend, because I knew it was the right thing to do.

I found out why she had broken up with me a few months later. The list:

I now look back on this with the realization that we were well and truly doomed for a long time. If she believed these things, then...well, it was never meant to be.

Current Status

It took two years, but I eventually got over Julia. I now understand country music better. I still feel like it was good for us to have dated, but at this point, I don't particularly want to see her again.

And there was once a lot more here, but no more.